What to say…where to start

My husband finely put his foot down to my 2 grown kids who where dumping problems on me every single day….my anxiety got so bad the meds didn’t even help….

This is a new thing….my dog annoys me these days….idk why or where it went wrong but don’t like the poor dog anymore….my cat don’t bother me

I go outside early in the morning when I know my neighbors won’t be out…socially awkward for a while now it don’t help that the guy who lives on one side cannot hold a conversation looking me in the eye he stares at my chest….right in front of my husband and his wife….he don’t even care…

Been married 17 years…have had bipolar since 23 just because schitzoaffective when I just turned 40 so I’ve been schizophrentic for 4 years and some Months…..for the most part my husband has adjusted well….he works to provide loves me all that but lately he has became overwhelmed ( 2 years after I became schizo our teenage son got hit with kidney disease depression anxiety & social phobia…..and he has had asthma from probably 10) so now he’s hit with sick wife sick kid….wtf happened? Anyway he has been great…what is happening is he is getting on my nerves….he’s 58 so he has aged also….I love him to death but he has been moody almost  just angry…..even my son has mentioned it to him….the other night I had to tell him if he don’t shut the f up I am going to my moms to stay the night at least…he shut his mouth….next day same thing….idk I know he stresses about different things but um so do I….he needs to calm down it’s making me crazy….my anxiety level is high….

This has not been going on long so hopefully he starts acting normal quick like….

Daughter 27 running wild in Vegas…son 23 lets his 29 year old girlfriend boss him around….I could go on for hours :/ 

Dazed and confused

I have been stuck at home for 4 years now sometimes with a car sometimes without….I have tried and tried to adjust…to get a routine going….I am use to working full time going to the gym..blah blah..married 17 years 2 grown kids & a teenager with health and mental problems….when I got sick at 40 it came on out of nowhere so fast and so hard….I was Deliorous…..I litterally lost my mind…4 years of different meds all with side effects…I am to the point now where I need something to do….I tried cleaning houses…super nasty! I am a licensed medical assistant by profession specialist in blood draw through arm or hand….can’t do that anymore because I shake really bad now…can’t be a waitress because my motor functions have been effected and I can’t multi task anymore….I came across posting on Craig’s list home health aid….lady can use the bathroom and shower herself…2 hours a day 5 days a week 10 minutes from my house….I can deal with 1 person cook and do laundry….here’s my problem the tags on my car expired May 6th…it will cost 400 for insurance and registration…..do I chance it? This job pays once a month almost 400….if I chance it for a month I could get my car taken care of…I can have an out of the prison I feel like I’ve been living in….I can have a routine something to focus on….I think all day long my brain only stops when I sleep and I need a pill for that…BUT if I get caught my car goes to impound and they could take me to jail….what are the odds? 50/50…is it worth it? Idk…..I think no don’t do it then I long to have a life…what do I do?

No cure…ever!

Their is no cure for schitzoaffective u can maintain with medication but it takes a while to get the correct cocktail…..it sucks knowing I have to deal with this the rest of my life! No cure I’m screwed!

I believe in karma and I feel I’m being punished by God for my wrong doings when I was younger….I was 23 my husband slept with the babysitter…I turned angry cold and bitter…..I walked all over people got what I could get and moved on without 1 thought about hurting anybody…I was a Bitch I admit it….so now I pay for the rest of my life? Wtf! 

Karma people….watch your ass!

A little phychosis 

I could smell flowers constantly…I could see things that weren’t their…I could here so many voices…dead friends and relitives….demons and Jesus…I could feel like a big man crawling on top of me….raping me…and all day I would feel hands on my head arms legs back……I’m surprised I didn’t die of a heart attack! Any questions?